“You’re a very complex person”


Some more than others. I have repeated this aimless walking into the practice of letting others speak more than I do. The findings alarming, as everyone jostles for this spotlight; only getting upset when others are in it.



What is that phenomenon? A feeling comparable to rotting fruit, as you watch someone become detested by the lateral space you occupy. Is it my fault for touching every side of the metaphorical “box”? Or, there’s for refusing to invest and grow? 



I am not sure, but I find I grow more fearful of these people. As I watch them sour at scale and initiative something churns deep within them. A kind of hatred I have never seen before. At least, I know so to be because it would seem they don’t want what I have, rather want me gone because I tend to be a spotlight. One that illuminates the dark, decrepit edges of others.



It is that growth in myself that scares me. Will I be left to isolation because of how bright my light shines? Or will someone be there to accept me? A paradigm I float in like a flag in the breeze, at mercy by my perceived self.



Stevie who are you? Who are you supposed to be, and why Is that so alarming for so many people? Yet, at the same time so welcoming for so many people?



Should… I be concerned? For I fear this may be the end of the road for this friendship.

“I just touched down in Knoxville”



I’m In a place that’s near and dear to my heart. A place of lumbering oaks, vivid greens, simplicity in craftsmanship, and process.  As I get older I find there is something so therapeutic about being in places that align with your soul. Myself, a man of presentation, and culture, and expression; Yearns for the nuance of a provider. I feel that side of me come alive here, whispers of the man to be a father someday. The man to create life through the wrinkles in his palms, for the seeds he planted long ago. I’m hoping another piece of this metropolitan ego dies in the next 7 days, it might be what sets me apart. Oh the humanity of it all, Knoxville is a check point; A reference for gratitude.



I hope I wear this mask long, for I move slower with it on. I don’t sprint for stimuli like usual; I let things pierce through me. A Martyr for the lives around me. That’s where the good is, as I sit here at 12:38AM I am here in a moment looking at work I’m happy about. This feeling oh so fleeting, I will find and make regular. She calls me “Stevie” just like my family does, I think that aspect of me might be who I’m searching for.

I feel like I’m out the other side.

For the longest time I hated myself, it wasn’t until just recently that I was set free from that anchor. I remember growing up I used to hide behind humor and act out to feel as if I was somebody. Everything was better if I was making others laugh; If I was appeasing. Making sure nobody was sad, and nobody was struggling, all In exchange for me to suffer.

For the majority, there has always been this gap between who I wanted to be and who I saw when a picture was taken of me. 

I’ve 

 always 

 hated 

 having 

 my 

 picture 

 taken.

 It’s like having a refresh in your mind of how what other people see you like isn’t even what/who you thought you were.

This is the first time I’ve genuinely loved a photo of myself taken outside of my own hands. It comes in a very symbolic and growth-filled part of my life. A time of great isolation. 

I spent so much time exploring myself through others’ appeasement and emotions that I never got to understand who Steven was outside of other’s recollection.

It lead me to be hyper-fixated on how I was perceived and created this crippling anxiety and malice for the world admittedly I put a lot of people in the crosshairs. That is a mixture of internal rage and trauma.

 But for the first time in my life, I feel as if who I am has been presented to me in all its clarity, all on a Segway of satisfaction. I finally like me, and my favorite part is it’s the me I’ve always wanted people to see and interact with. 

 “S7eev” started as a persona to explore myself through art without feeling like I had to put myself out there for the world to interact with.
Now a manifestation of being at peace with myself: emotionally, spiritually, physically, and confidently.

 Lately, it has shown up in, my relationships, my craft, my temperament, and my gratitude. This set of pictures was the final seal on letting me know, I’m exactly where I need to be.