Goodness Gracious…..

There’s something so paralyzing about Thanksgiving. A day built on the suffering of others, but a healthy mental snapshot of forced gratitude.

It’s funny I’ve noticed human nature makes it hard for us to do this often, a whirlwind of sorts. I yearn for more days in where the way I feel isn’t so turbulent; there’s always someone telling you how to feel or what to think or what to buy into. But not anyone reminding you that you’re okay where you are.

Conquerable is anything with a shift toward “for me” vs “to me”. I’m learning this more and more now, circumstances aren’t my downfall but a footstep on the ascension of self development.

I love life a lot more these days because I’m thinking about it so much less, as a jovial mana flows from me; I am the key to an environment of smiles and comfort.

A martyr I am pierced by the tussle of suffering so that my community can be removed from it. A delicate balance that corrupts but also heals.

I am grateful these days, even in the evil of this world; I hope who I am and what comes from me shows that.

Goodness Gracious…

I’ve always loved the feeling of the breeze on the tip of your nose. That kind of breeze that makes your eyes wince up. Disassociated, yet so present. Thoughts race:

“What do I want for lunch”

“That’s a nice car”

“Do I smell bad?”

Yet at the same time thoughts crawl:

“Why do they not understand me”

“When is she coming?”

“Why can’t they realize what I do?”

Freeways, back roads, side streets, and interstates. Anchors in my consciousness, it’s funny the breeze gives me something no person ever has. 

Clarity.

“Dude I think you’re depressed.”

I can’t believe you’d put that on me, but why so suddenly? I’ve felt as if everything had been on this upward trend. I know I’m exaggerating but I’ve been starting to have doubt about this new perspective of “not tolerating certain things from my self.” 

Is being selective and having an ego worth the sea of dissonance it produces because you make others uncomfortable? I don’t think so. I’m at this reunion experiencing the fallout the lack of my large personality usually would have caused. Good god, is it uncomfortable.

“What’s wrong”

“Your energy is weird”

“Are you not having a good time?”

No I’m just a different person. I don’t like acting out to be the center of attention anymore. I don’t like how that kid in me did that to be seen to escape his home. So I don’t have to do that anymore in life, I am way more fascinated with exuding gravity. Making an intimate situation with me made worth while. I get to be the wall flower but people are curious for me, and when they find me they get a home.

Yeah but people who once knew you… they don’t like that. It’s a big shift, I remember hearing something about having a bigger ego.

Is this that?

Fuck.